Sunday, 7 February 2010

No nostrils

Dear Duffy,
Today Stephen Dunbavin from my class tried to convince Geri and I that his brace tasted of strawberries. My brother has one I knew his didn’t taste of strawberries, but Stephen was very convincing. He offered us a lick of his brace.
Now Stephen is as odd boy. He has a cleft palate, a squashed nose and speaks like he has no nostrils. Besides that he is the grubby kid in the class. But still we couldn’t resist.
Geri and I had a lick. Bloody Jane Humphreys shrieked when she saw this and told Mrs. Gleave.
Mrs. Gleave gave us a good telling off and Stephen Dunbavin got away scott free.
It didn’t taste of strawberries.

Saturday, 6 February 2010

Fish in a pond

Dear Duffy,
On half of my paper round I deliver to posh houses, the other half on a council estate.
Whenever I get to the flats at the council estate there are these twins that always try to steal newspapers from me. They are younger than me but could totally beat me up. I always try and stand my ground but there have been a few times they have got one.
They usually slap me or try and push me off my bike. Some times they talk to me and I think they’re being nice, then they’ll just turn and demand a paper.
I kind of feel sorry for them; they always look like they need a bath and some new clothes. I could probably take them on individually, I often think about punching one if I saw them on there own, but the problem is I have to go there everyday, and they have an older brother.
Today I went into the flats to deliver the papers and the twins followed me in. They didn’t say anything, instead they just forced me into the broom cupboard and locked the door.
I could hear them laughing for a few minutes then silence. About 30 minutes later they opened the door. Before my eyes could adjust to the light one of them put a net over my head (the kind a child would use to fish in a pond) while the other grabbed my paper satchel then they ran off.
I got out and my bike was gone.
I walked up to Mr. Patel’s newsagents and had to explain what had happened. He wasn’t happy.
On my walk home I found my bike in a bush. That was lucky.

Friday, 5 February 2010

Tall enough

Dear Duffy,
Today Stacey (who is two years above me) told me I was getting hansom, and that I was almost tall enough to suck on her tits. Get In!

Thursday, 4 February 2010

Less friction = more speed

Dear Duffy,
My friend Tom has this awesome water slide set up in his back garden. Its just an ordinary kids plastic slide with a hose at the top and a long plastic sheet at the bottom, but its totally rad. The speed you can get on it is immense.
We tried everything to find ways of making the experience more extreme. Going down streamlined, toes pointed forward arms crossed seemed to work best. We called this the kamikaze. Going down in the bomb position (tucked up in a ball) worked good too.
But then my friends little sister Hannah had the best idea. Less friction = more speed.
In order to get less friction we lost the swim suits and went bare bottomed. It really worked.
The only downside was that sometimes we went so fast we'd go off the end of the sheet and end up in the flower bed and get covered in mud. But it was worth it.
On one attempt I decided to go kamikaze.
I shot down the slide hitting the sheet at speeds I'd not experienced. What happened next lasted under two seconds.
I was flying down the sheet and trying to adjust myself trying to avoid hitting the flower bed, when i noticed something towards the end of the sheet.
It was a wasp.
It was on its back not able to get out of the water, I didn't have much time to think but spread myself out in order to break. No use. I slid right over the little bugger and before I could get to the flower bed jumped in the air clenching my arse. Jesus it hurt. I did three laps of the garden cock first holding my arse screaming like a little girl.
Once I had settled down a bit, my friends mum had to put some cream on my arse hole.
I'm not going on that slide again.
It gave some kids a laugh though.

Wednesday, 3 February 2010

Pissing up the wall

Dear Duffy,
So today started out as a normal day in school. When assembly started the headmistress called out some names and asked those kids to stand up. My name was called.
We where asked to go to the heads office and wait there till after assembly. So me and four other boys went and waited there. No one seemed to have a clue why.
Eventually the head arrived and we headed into her office. Basically what this was about was we had been caught pissing up the wall on the play ground. The other guys seemed worried but couldn’t help let out a little giggle. I’m sure this would have been hilarious except, I didn’t do it! I don’t even hang out with these guys.
I was pretty shocked and didn’t know what to do, I’m kind of scared of the head, so I kept my mouth shut. She told us our parents had been told and we got sent back to class.
My mother picked me up and didn’t say a word, neither did I.
When we got home she took a deep breath and told me how disappointed she was in me.
I told her I didn’t do it. She was angry. Apparently it was one thing doing it but lying to her was totally unacceptable. She lay me over her lap as she sat at the bottom of the stair case and began to spank me. She said she will continue to do so till I admitted I did it.
Now, I’m used to being spanked by my dad so this was a doddle, but was totally upset that I had disappointed my mum to the extent that she would do this. She only ever really hits me when I deserve it. It went on for a long time, but I think she got tired before I did.
When Dad got home I thought I’d have to go though round two.
It didn’t happen. I don’t think she has told him. That was lucky.

Tuesday, 2 February 2010

Featuring Björk

Dear Duffy,
My friend Rookie from collage passed me a copy of the new Weezer Green Album that he downloaded off of the internet. I was so excited, its not been released yet. On the track listing it says there is a song featuring Björk. I thought that was pretty nuts.
I was right. He had downloaded Slanted and Enchanted. Björk isn't even on it.
At least he likes Pavement now.

Monday, 1 February 2010

Whatever Ian said, happened

Dear Duffy,
I'm away with school at this place called Lindersfarn. Me and a few friend are in some dormitories quite secluded from the other kids.
This older boy called Ian is hear. He bought us vodka and cigarettes and he likes this band called rage against the machine and swearer a lot.
One night we decided to look in all the vacant dorms. My friend Stephen went into one room and found loads of porn magazines in a draw. When I say loads I mean at least 50.
We spent hours flicking through them, and always had a look out in case a prefect walked by. After a long debate about what to do with them Ian decided to hide them behind a wardrobe in my friends Micheal's dorm, so later we could come back at the end of the holiday and take them home.
Whatever Ian said, happened.
We all tipped the wardrobe, it took four of us to hold it up. Then we heard the owl call. Someone was coming. Without thinking too hard we all ran.
Well, not all. Micheal was left trying to hold the wardrobe up by himslef. He couldn't hold it any longer and the whole thing crashed down on top of him.
Hearing the crash and seeing a bunch of kids run, the prefect headed toward the sight and found Micheal on the floor with a wardrobe on top of him and a load of porn mags scattered around the room.
Teachers got involved, Micheal never told on us and the mags are gone so I can't bring them home.